Matthew Catcheth an Iron as it Falleth; he Slayeth a Spider for his Girlfriend

Now it came to pass that on the second day, Matthew beheld that he must relieve himself.  And after he had relieved himself, behold, he did proceed to wash his hands, for Matthew was a man of much cleanness.  But as he did wash his hands, lo, the elbow of Matthew did bump into the iron, and the iron did fall, even off of the dryer on which it was set.  And now Matthew was sore afraid that the iron would smite the floor, and cause much noise.  Therefore, as the iron fell, Matthew did seize the chord of the iron, and behold, it was but an inch from the floor when he did catch it.  And now Matthew brought the iron back upon the dryer, and behold, he did raise both of his fists into the air in triumph.  For Matthew was much pleased with himself.


Now of all the maidens of Bozeman, there was one whom Matthew loved above all others, and the name of the maiden was Amber. And now as Matthew sat vigil upon his couch, and did make images of beasts from days gone by, behold, Amber did call Matthew upon his cell phone, and said, "Behold, Matthew, a spider has come unto my house, and he is a giant, and I am sore afraid, and also is Alicia, who is the wife of thy friend.  Thou must come unto my house that thou canst slay him for me." And Matthew promised Amber that he should be there presently and slay the spider for her.  Now as Matthew did walk unto the house of Amber, he spoke with her on the phone that she might not be frightened.  And the wife of Matthew's friend did take up poison and a hammer that she might slay the spider, but she was afraid that it might attack her if she should smite him.  And also was Amber, and so they did wait for Matthew and he spoke unto them on the phone.  And Matthew walked for 20 minutes that he might slay the spider.  And when he arrived at the house of Amber, the wife of his friend gave unto him the poison, and he did spray the spider with the poison and beheld that the spider writhed in his agony.  And while the spider did writhe, the wife of Matthew's friend gave unto him the hammer, and he smote the spider with the hammer, and the guts of the spider were spread upon the floor.  And Matthew, and Amber, and Alicia did rejoice.