Matthew Imitateth a Man from the South. The Names of Matthew's Brethren are Set Forth.

At the end of the 6th month, behold, Matthew and his brethren went unto Salt Lake City, for the wedding of one of the brethren of Matthew was nigh.  And the names by which the brethren of Matthew were known were Kyle, and Tyrell, and Snacky-pooo.
Now, when the day of the wedding had come, Matthew and his brethren did don the clothing that Kyle wished for them to wear.  But while Matthew tarried in the bathroom to smooth the hairs of his head, behold, he did remove his shirt.  And when his hair looked appealing, behold, he exited the bathroom, but he did not take his shirt with him.  But Matthew realized his mistake, and he turneth that he might retrieve his shirt from the bathroom.  But Snacky-pooo had gone unto the bathroom, and now Matthew was without his shirt.  Therefore Matthew took up his suspenders, and he putteth them onto his pants.  Now Matthew wore the suspenders, but he did not wear a shirt, that he might look like a man from the lands of the South.  And his brethren did laugh much at this, and asked that he might speak like unto a man from the South.  And Matthew did as his brethren asked.  And behold, they all laughed much at this saying.
And now Kyle took up the camera and he took a picture as Matthew stood with the suspenders but no shirt, that they all might remember this day.

Matthew Catcheth an Iron as it Falleth; he Slayeth a Spider for his Girlfriend

Now it came to pass that on the second day, Matthew beheld that he must relieve himself.  And after he had relieved himself, behold, he did proceed to wash his hands, for Matthew was a man of much cleanness.  But as he did wash his hands, lo, the elbow of Matthew did bump into the iron, and the iron did fall, even off of the dryer on which it was set.  And now Matthew was sore afraid that the iron would smite the floor, and cause much noise.  Therefore, as the iron fell, Matthew did seize the chord of the iron, and behold, it was but an inch from the floor when he did catch it.  And now Matthew brought the iron back upon the dryer, and behold, he did raise both of his fists into the air in triumph.  For Matthew was much pleased with himself.


Now of all the maidens of Bozeman, there was one whom Matthew loved above all others, and the name of the maiden was Amber. And now as Matthew sat vigil upon his couch, and did make images of beasts from days gone by, behold, Amber did call Matthew upon his cell phone, and said, "Behold, Matthew, a spider has come unto my house, and he is a giant, and I am sore afraid, and also is Alicia, who is the wife of thy friend.  Thou must come unto my house that thou canst slay him for me." And Matthew promised Amber that he should be there presently and slay the spider for her.  Now as Matthew did walk unto the house of Amber, he spoke with her on the phone that she might not be frightened.  And the wife of Matthew's friend did take up poison and a hammer that she might slay the spider, but she was afraid that it might attack her if she should smite him.  And also was Amber, and so they did wait for Matthew and he spoke unto them on the phone.  And Matthew walked for 20 minutes that he might slay the spider.  And when he arrived at the house of Amber, the wife of his friend gave unto him the poison, and he did spray the spider with the poison and beheld that the spider writhed in his agony.  And while the spider did writhe, the wife of Matthew's friend gave unto him the hammer, and he smote the spider with the hammer, and the guts of the spider were spread upon the floor.  And Matthew, and Amber, and Alicia did rejoice.

Matthew Slayeth the Black Widow. He Catcheth a Bird In His Hands

Now it came to pass that in the 2013th year, behold, Matthew was 23.  And the father of Matthew did have a work party at his house.  And the father of Matthew did command that Matthew and his brother should stand vigil outside the house of Matthew's father that they might tell the friends of their father where they might park.  And in the even, Matthew and his brother beheld that a black widow dwelt in the mailbox of their family.
And on the morrow, Matthew and his brother did sally forth unto the mailbox that they might slay the black widow.  Now the family of Matthew had poison with which they might slay black widows and all manner of vermin, but when Matthew sprayed with black widow with the poison, behold, there was no poison left.  And Matthew was sore wroth.
Therefore, Matthew and his brother did speak together that they might devise a strategem with which they might slay the black widow.  And behold, the brother of Matthew did take up a stick, and he draggeth the black widow from her web.  And when the black widow was thus dragged, behold, Matthew took up a stone, and he smote the black widow with the stone.  And when the black widow was thus smitten, behold, it perished.  Now this was the 6th black widow which Matthew had slain. And all the people rejoiced.
And in the 2014th year, when fall was come, behold, Matthew and his bretheren sat in the house of Matthew and made merry.  And while they made merry, rain began to fall, and behold, a bird flew into the house of Matthew.  And the bird was yellow.  But the bird was a fool, and became lost within the house.  And the bird flew unto the window, and smote his head upon the window.  And the bird was sore afraid.
Now Kyle went unto the window, and he reacheth unto the bird with his hand.  But the bird knew not that Kyle sought to help him, and behold, he escapeth Kyle, and smote his head upon the window again.
Them Matthew came unto the bird, and encircled the bird with his fingers.  And the bird was sore afraid, but behold, the bird could not escape the hands of Matthew. And Matthew carried the bird unto the door and released him, saying, "Fly away thou bird, lest thou smite thy head upon the window yet again, even unto death." And the bird flew away.
And the bretheren of Matthew were astonished by this thing, for Matthew took up the bird in his own hands, and behold, the bird was not injured.  And all the people rejoiced, for Matthew had not slain the bird as he had slain the black widow.